Seeking Peace in Our Friendships with Other Women
By JASMIN HOWELL
“…it is [her] glory to overlook an offense.”
Proverbs 19:11b ESV
One busy afternoon I was running a quick errand to a local grocery store when I zipped around a corner and nearly ran headlong into a dear friend of mine. Warm smiles and hugs were exchanged and our conversation felt genuine and friendly, but the whole scenario turned me into a bundle of emotions. Over the past few years I hadn’t seen as much of this dear friend as I would have liked, and although I knew that her life was very full … I missed her a lot. My perception was that the closeness we had shared for long years had shifted slightly as I was less called upon, shared with, confided in, less often the recipient of invitations, and so on. It was hard not to take the change personally, as though she was choosing to spend time with other people over me. Even as the thought hit me, I knew it was unbelievably petty — but I was feeling hurt, and seeing my friend brought that hurt to the surface, causing me to feel wronged and take offense. I said goodbye to her and wrapped up my errand, but by the time I got to my car I had tears streaming down my face.
I sat in the driver’s seat feeling sorry for myself for a while and then heard my mom’s wise voice in my head: Always think of the best possible explanation for someone’s actions. Your perception may not be entirely accurate. Do you have unrealistic expectations of them? Release them from your judgment, the way others have done for you.
Aren’t mothers so often right?! This friend, though dear to me, had done nothing wrong — she hadn’t made promises to me that she didn’t keep, and she hadn’t done anything to intentionally hurt me. There were no sin-issues to address. She was friendly and interested in my life — but it was just … different. I sniffed back my tears and mulled over my mom’s wisdom. Our friendship was simply in a different “season,” and the changes brought some discomfort, even grief. But this season was not likely to last forever — for either of us — and whatever would come next, I wanted to be present for it and at peace in the friendship.
And right in that moment, I asked the Lord to help me become an unoffendable friend.
What do I mean by being unoffendable? Basically, I want to have a heart that gives my friends grace as my first response; a heart that strives for peace in my friendships. This means looking for ways to serve rather than be served, choosing to have the most courteous thoughts towards others, not minding having the lowest place — or even being passed over — without holding onto hurt. It’s probably going to take my whole life to live this out even remotely well, but it is a position that I believe will allow my friendships (and me) to thrive. And it’s also a position which is encouraged by Scripture — exercising the fruit of the Spirit toward friends with, “love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…” (Gal. 5:22–23). Along with those traits, the Bible says that, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11 ESV).
As you can see in the story I’ve shared, I am such a work in progress — but I believe that God honors the efforts of those who seek His ways above their own. Like most women I know, I’m prone to leap to conclusions, allow hurt to seep in, read into situations, and over-analyze everything. But I want so much to gain God’s heart in this area, seeking peace in friendships with other women and striving to overlook offenses — whether perceived or real. With all of that in mind, I’d like to share some of the best advice about friendship that I’ve ever received from my mom and backed up by the Word of God!
Always Think the Best
“If I do not give a friend “The benefit of the doubt,” but put the worst construction instead of the best on what is said or done, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” – Amy Carmichael
Often we wrongly attribute a friend’s busy season, lack of communication, etc., to mean that they no longer care about us. (Are we dramatic or what?!) We often don’t think of the most courteous reason behind why a friend did — or didn’t do — something. The temptation is to become disparaging of the other person, leaping to the worst possible conclusions about their actions (or their inaction, as the case may be), seeing it all as an indicator of our personal value. We jump to emotional responses like anger, frustration, bitterness, and resentment. We shut down, isolate ourselves, become self-preserving, or perhaps we retaliate by using hurtful words or giving the cold shoulder. But rather than gain any sort of peace by these responses, we suffer more and our hurts multiply.
We would do well to heed my mom’s encouragement and, “Always think of the best possible explanation for someone’s actions.” We need to be women with the mind of Christ, who extend the most generous, kind-hearted thoughts towards our friends — no matter how things might seem. And always remember (especially if you are a person prone to be easily offended by others) that you are not a perfect friend yourself. God’s Word reminds us, “How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? … First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye” (Luke 6:42 NLT). Before you spend long hours evaluating the failings of others, consider your own and repent of any hardheartedness you’ve had. Invite the Lord to inspect your heart and remove any sin in your own life, and then practice peace by choosing to think the best of others.
Perception is Not Reality
“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves … Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus…”
(Phil. 2:3, 5 NASB95).
As hard as it can be to grasp, we are not the center of the universe. (I say that tongue-in-cheek.)
But as women who are prone to sin, we are inclined to think of ourselves first — viewing situations from a self-centered lens and then believing that what we perceive must be accurate. This upside-down focus can lead to many problems in friendship. I have experienced the effects of it in my own life multiple times, and it’s a perfect recipe for being deeply hurt, analyzing the shortcomings of others, over-focusing on ourselves, interpreting things inaccurately, etc. But the interpretations we come up with are often so far from reality. Sometimes we have the immense privilege of being humbled by God when we discover the real reason for a friend’s choices, actions, decisions, etc., and realize that it was significantly different from what we imagined.
Knowing our perception may not be reality also serves as a good reason to hold our tongues and wait patiently for God to reveal the real reasons for troubling circumstances in a friendship. God’s Word gives us some timely advice, “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise” (Prov. 10:19). Instead of lashing out prematurely, if you feel hurt, confess it to God instead. Words are hard to take back, and it is better to remain silent and seek to serve your friend while you wait on the Lord to bring truth to light. I’ve learned this the hard way, and I’d love to spare you the trouble that often follows too many words spoken out of due season. And any time your friend pops to mind — no matter the accompanying feelings you may have — use your words to pray for them. It’s hard to remain upset at someone very long while you are praying for them!
What if instead of starting with ourselves, we started with others, demonstrating a “humility of mind” that seeks a right perspective? Would this affect our perception of events? Absolutely! When we seek to love others and think of them as more important than ourselves, remembering that our view of things is often distorted or limited, then we can be led by truth and put others before ourselves in humility and love.
Evaluate Expectations
As women we are quick to apply conditions and expectations to other women which may be unreasonable for them to meet, let alone for us to have. No friend will perfectly meet your needs, nor should that be an expectation. Regularly evaluating any expectations we are holding onto is so important and can keep us from looking for a particular behavior from another woman.
Sometimes a season of friendship is marked by certain patterns such as regular phone chats or coffee dates, play dates with your kids each month, or double dates with spouses. But then something changes, and the things which were so familiar in a former season are no longer possible. Being dramatic or stirring up dissension because of wrongly-placed expectations can end the friendship; whereas, if we can extend grace and not hold onto things that were common in the past, then the joy of a new season of friendship can be realized! Release your expectations of what any particular friendship should look like. Instead, decide to be flexible, embracing the changes that are inevitable. Creatively figure out new ways to grow the friendship. Let’s focus our efforts on being the kind of friend that we ourselves want, instead of waiting for other women to meet our expectations. Trust me, your peace will increase!
Release Others from Your Judgment
“Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment … It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.” – Corrie ten Boom
We have not been given the position of “judge” over our friends, and when we try to establish ourselves as judges, we actually become ensnared in sin. The Bible warns us that, “…in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things” (Rom. 2:1 ESV). Unless we ourselves act perfectly in our friendships — which we know is not even remotely possible — we need to be those who forgive quickly, releasing others from our judgment. Forgiving our friends their offenses is obedience to God’s Word and actually sets us free!
However, forgiveness doesn’t require a big announcement to the person who has hurt you.
It is more effective to quietly confess it before the Lord and ask Him to deal with the situation as He determines best. Take your eyes off of the offense, or off of the person who caused it, and turn your gaze to Christ. Mulling over a hurtful circumstance is not the way to gain freedom. Releasing others from your judgment and surrendering them to God is such a powerful way to be free from the hamster-wheel of hurt. Actively hold your friends with an open hand, not a closed fist — knowing they are gifts from God, not your possession.
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As women, it is natural for us to desire close friendships with other women, and they can bring us so much joy! But because we are fallen women, we also carry all sorts of sinful reflexes into our friendships which the enemy uses to taint — and even ruin — years of joyful, fruitful friendship. But we can choose to be unoffendable friends by aligning our thoughts and actions to the Word of God, not being led by our feelings or becoming entangled in the enemy’s lies. No, it’s not easy. But it’s biblical, and it is possible because of Christ. We can be women of peace in our friendships, and in Him we can have the grace we need to overlook offenses, exercise humble minds and kind spirits towards our friends, and forgive, “just as in Christ God forgave you” (Eph. 4:32 NIV).
This article was originally published in Issue 42.
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