A Woman’s Search for Her Self-Worth
by Leslie Ludy
Only 1% of women think they are beautiful, according to a survey by Dove.
That reality is a little strange, since beauty has never been easier to come by than it is today. The plastic surgery business is booming. Beauty products are boundless. We are surrounded by a plethora of social media advice that provides us with all the secrets and techniques we need in order to look, act, and feel like confident, beautiful women. We have all the tools we need. And many of us spend a large portion of our time trying to make ourselves attractive.
Yet in an ironic twist, most of us still feel like we aren’t “there” yet.
A graphic designer for a major clothing label once told me, “In real life, no model really looks as perfect as what you see in clothing ads or on catalog covers. We digitally alter her photo. We remove several inches from her waist and thighs. We enhance her chest size. We airbrush her skin.”
The world lifts up a standard for beauty that is literally impossible to achieve in real life.
As women, the desire to be loved, approved, and found beautiful is innate. We dream of capturing the heart of a noble prince and gaining his lifelong devotion, just like the princesses in our childhood fairy tales. And pop culture preys upon that longing like a relentless vulture. They keep dangling the carrot temptingly in front of us, urging us to spend our time, money, and energy pursuing the “next great thing” that will bring us one step closer to the dream.
And all too often, we fall for it. We buy the clothes. We obsess over the trends. We let the entertainment industry and the advertising executives define who we become as women.
But all too often, we look for beauty in the wrong place. And all too often, our incessant search for finding beauty has stripped us of all that is truly beautiful.
Searching for Self-Worth
“You are special! You are unique! You have value!” Kevin Richards’s face was full of sincerity and passion as he spoke the words.
I was 14, and our entire youth group was gathered under a big oak tree on the front lawn of our church to hear Kevin’s inspiring pep talk. Today’s lesson was on self-esteem.
“Now I know that the world is always trying to tell you that you aren’t good enough,” Kevin continued. “But in God’s eyes, you are good enough! He wants you to feel good about yourself.”
Beside me, some husky football players shuffled awkwardly on the grass. A few girls behind me started whispering to each other. None of us really knew how to respond to Kevin’s motivational talk. Everyone on the lawn that day was battling with intense insecurity, but it wasn’t the kind of thing that you talked about, or even acknowledged, at the age of 14.
Kevin wasn’t deterred by our lack of response. “I want all of you to go home today,” he said earnestly, “and look in the mirror. And I want you to say to your reflection, ‘I love you!’” Despite the rolled eyes and sarcastic laughter that met this statement, Kevin only smiled and said confidently, “God wants you to learn to love yourself!”
Love yourself. It was a message that I heard often, in many different forms, throughout my young adult life. “It is important to feel good about who you are!”
If that were true, I reasoned, I was pursuing all the right things. Most of my time and energy was devoted to feeling good about me. That was why I spent so much time obsessing in front of the mirror. That was why I was infatuated with having the latest trends.
So why did I feel worse about myself more than ever?
No matter how many times I tried to tell myself, “I am beautiful the way I am!” I was still entrenched in a world that relentlessly declared otherwise. And my desperate need to be appealing was still there, no matter how many times I tried to ignore it.
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Later in my teen years, I came across two statements that Jesus made — and they changed my perspective on beauty completely. “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me,” (Luke 9:23) and “He who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me” (Matt. 10:38).
Gradually, I began to recognize that self-denial — rather than self-esteem — was the solution to insecurity.
I discovered that when we let self fade into the background and become consumed with Jesus Christ, our insecurities will melt away. We no longer look to ourselves — our own merit, talent, beauty, or uniqueness — to find confidence. Instead, we learn to find our confidence in who He is, rather than in who we are.
Ian Thomas said,
The Christian life can be explained only in terms of Jesus Christ, and if your life as a Christian can still be explained in terms of you — your personality, your willpower, your gift, your talent, your money, your courage, your scholarship, your dedication, your sacrifice, or your anything — then although you may have the Christian life, you are not yet living it.
Today we are often led to believe that we all have beauty within us and that if we could only learn to love ourselves just the way we are, we would be confident and happy. But the reality is, we do not possess any beauty or goodness of our own accord. (See Psalm 14:3, 16:2, 53:3). The only beauty or merit we can ever have is Jesus Christ’s. And His loveliness will only come shining through our lives when self has gotten out of the way. (Remember, we must decrease so that He might increase!)
Rather than trying to build up our self-esteem and feel good about ourselves (which doesn’t produce lasting confidence anyway) we must let thoughts of self fade into the background. Remember that to “deny ourselves” according to the biblical pattern literally means to lose sight of ourselves and our own interests. We will only gain lasting security when we look away from ourselves and toward Jesus Christ. The question, “Who am I?” is not nearly as important as the question, “Who is He?”
Maybe no one will ever notice us. But that makes no difference as long as they notice Him shining through us. We can waste precious time and energy searching for something of worth and value in our own soul. Or, we can join the ranks of historic set apart women and declare, “Less of me and more of Him!” That is when our soul will sparkle with the spectacular beauty of Jesus Christ.
The modern self-worth message says that a woman who is fully alive to herself is a woman who is truly beautiful. But in God’s pattern, a woman who is dead to herself and alive to Christ shines with lasting and radiant beauty. When I look throughout Christian history, the most stunning feminine beauty comes from the lives of women who are completely unaware of self and completely consumed with their King. That is the kind of beauty I want to seek with all my heart. Not a beauty that can be found within my own soul, but a beauty that is entirely other-worldly in nature; a beauty that flows from the only One who is truly beautiful.
Christ-centered beauty does not come naturally to any of us. In my own life, I have found several practical principles that have helped me pursue Christ’s radiance, instead of the counterfeit beauty of the culture. Let’s unpack them.
The First Step: Embracing Our Unworthiness
Shannon is a young college student in a serious fog of guilt and shame. “I have messed up my life so much that I wonder if God can really forgive me or love me,” she wrote in an email to me. Many of us can relate to Shannon’s struggle. We wonder how to truly receive the forgiveness of Christ. The enemy of our soul whispers viciously in our ear, telling us that we are unworthy, that our past is too marred, that our soul is too dirty to ever be washed clean and marked by His divine beauty. It sounds harsh to tell Shannon that she possesses nothing of real beauty or value, and that she is utterly unworthy to receive the transforming love of Christ.
But that’s the exact message that Shannon — and all of us — must first understand in order to be remade by the stunning beauty of Christ.
We are unworthy. Our soul is dirty. True repentance starts by acknowledging that fact. We are defiled and tainted. We are utterly unfit to bear His holy name. But it’s not about our worthiness. It’s about His.
Shannon does not need a lesson from Kevin Richards about how to love herself. She does not need to be told that she has a beauty all her own and that she only needs to “inhabit that beauty.” Rather, Shannon’s deliverance and freedom will come when she embraces her own unworthiness and acknowledges that she has no hope outside of the redeeming power of Jesus Christ.
This is true repentance. Yes, it is hard to admit how far we have fallen. It is relentlessly hard on our selfishness and pride to face the fact that we are deformed and defiled. But it is only when we know how great our debt is that we can understand the gravity and wonder of what Jesus Christ has done for us. Only then can we love Him with unreserved devotion and gratitude. Just look at this powerful story about a woman who had much to be forgiven.
And behold, a woman in the city who was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at the table in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster flask of fragrant oil, and stood at His feet behind Him weeping; and she began to wash His feet with her tears, and wiped them with the hair of her head; and she kissed His feet and anointed them with the fragrant oil.
Now when the Pharisee who had invited Him saw this, he spoke to himself, saying, “This Man, if He were a prophet, would know who and what manner of woman this is who is touching Him, for she is a sinner.”
And Jesus answered and said to him, “Simon, I have something to say to you.”
So he said, “Teacher, say it.”
“There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing with which to repay, he freely forgave them both. Tell Me, therefore, which of them will love him more?”
Simon answered and said, “I suppose the one whom he forgave more.”
And He said to him, “You have rightly judged.”
Then He turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has washed My feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head. You gave Me no kiss, but this woman has not ceased to kiss My feet since the time I came in. You did not anoint My head with oil, but this woman has anointed My feet with fragrant oil. Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.”
Then He said to her, “Your sins are forgiven … Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.”
Luke 7:37–50
Simon the Pharisee didn’t feel he really needed a Savior. He treated Christ as a casual buddy, hoping perhaps to glean some interesting insight or personal benefit from being around Him. But the sinful woman knew that Jesus Christ was her only hope. She had come face to face with the ugliness and horror of her defilement. She had accepted her utter unworthiness. And because of this, she could truly receive the mercy and forgiveness of her Lord. She threw herself at His feet in unreserved devotion and gratitude. That is true repentance.
Often we think of coming to Christ as a decision to “accept Him,” to mentally acknowledge that He died, rose again, ascended into Heaven and will return someday to take us to Heaven. But repentance isn’t merely the choice to “accept” Him and acknowledge those facts. Rather, it’s falling at the feet of Jesus, just like the sinful woman, fully aware that He is our only hope. It’s crying out to Him from the depths of our soul, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner!” (See Luke 18:13.)
When we have been forgiven much, we love Him much. Don’t shy away from your feelings of unworthiness and hide behind flowery messages about embracing your own inherent beauty. Acknowledge the ugliness of your condition — the awfulness of your sin. Then, embrace the awesome sacrifice He made on your behalf. To doubt His ability to forgive you is to question whether His sacrifice was really enough, whether He truly paid the penalty for your sin once and for all.
We only need to read the Gospels to be assured that He did pay the price for our sin — once and for all. Let us not cheapen His amazing sacrifice by questioning whether His work on the Cross was truly enough. We are either ignorant or arrogant if we believe that Christ’s death was not enough to cover our sin. At the moment Christ gave up His life for us, He proclaimed, “It is finished” (John 19:30). The price had been paid. The power of sin had been conquered. It was done. It was final. It was absolute. He left no room for us to question it.
Don’t try to add to His sacrifice by improving yourself before you fall at His feet in repentance. Simply come to Him — in all of your sin and weakness — let Him wash you clean and make you completely new. Don’t focus on your unworthiness. Rather, fix your eyes on the awesome power of His conquering, redeeming, transforming blood shed on your behalf.
If you feel uncertain how to begin this process, I would encourage you to set aside a long period of time to be alone with Christ. Go somewhere you won’t be distracted or interrupted. Come to Christ just as you are, asking Him to forgive you, renew you, wash you clean, and begin to shape you into His beautiful likeness. It is a prayer He will always answer.
The Second Step: Being Made New
Most of us don’t ever fully receive the transforming power of Christ, because we don’t fully understand the message of the Gospel. Take a few moments to join me in my own journey through Ezekiel 16, where God is speaking both to the nation of Israel and to each of us as individuals. As you do, allow God to speak to you specifically about the redeeming, transforming, beautifying work He desires to accomplish in your life.
“[On the day you were born] your naval cord was not cut, nor were you washed in water to cleanse you; you were not rubbed with salt nor wrapped in swaddling cloths. No eye pitied you, to do any of these things for you, to have compassion on you; but you were thrown out into the open field, when you yourself were loathed on the day you were born.” – Ezekiel 16:4–5
I was born into sin and ugliness. Because of sin’s rule over me, I was deformed, defiled, and despised — thrown out into an open field like garbage, covered in my own filth and blood … the blood of my guilt and shame. There was nothing worthy or noble within me. I deserved nothing but death.
And yet, against all reason, that is not where my story ended, for Ezekiel 16 continues:
“When I passed by you and saw you struggling in your own blood, I said to you … ‘Live!’ … I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,” says the Lord God. – Ezekiel 16:6, 8
The God of the universe, the Author of all that is good and lovely, passed by and saw me in my wretched, hopeless condition. He was not attracted to my beauty or goodness because I had none. I had absolutely nothing to offer Him. I was ugly and helpless, drowning in the blood of my own guilt and condemnation.
But incredibly — beyond all logic, beyond all comprehension — He had compassion on me. He rescued me. He entered into a covenant with me. He made me His own.
And for the first time, I had hope. I had a future. I had worth. Not because I possessed those things within myself — but because I now belonged to Him.
I was His child. But even that wasn’t the end of the story.
“Your breasts were formed, your hair grew, but you were naked and bare.” – Ezekiel 16:7
He had rescued and redeemed me — but I was still naked and bare, utterly unable to showcase any true beauty on my own. I had tried to fulfill my desire for feminine beauty outside of Him. I had spent years trying to make myself more appealing, more valuable, and more desirable to everyone else but Him. And I had only succeeded in achieving a hollow, lifeless beauty that might temporarily appeal to the world but did not move the heart of my true Prince. No matter how I adorned myself with feminine allure on the outside, I was naked and bare of real beauty on the inside. I had not achieved even a speck of lasting loveliness.
He gently whispered to my soul that He wanted to place His perfect beauty upon me. He desired to transform me into a breathtaking princess that would ravish and captivate His heart. He wanted to adorn me with His glory, to dress me in royal garments, and to endow me with His splendor. But for that miracle to happen, I must first surrender to His cleansing, refining work.
“Then I washed you in water; yes, I thoroughly washed off your blood, and I anointed you with oil. I clothed you in embroidered cloth and gave you sandals of badger skin; I clothed you with fine linen and covered you with silk. I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your wrists, and a chain on your neck. And I put a jewel in your nose, earrings in your ears, and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen, silk, and embroidered cloth. You ate pastry of fine flour, honey, and oil. You were exceedingly beautiful, and succeeded to royalty … your beauty … was perfect through My splendor which I had bestowed on you,” says the Lord God. – Ezekiel 16:9–14
As this portion of Scripture expresses, I did not automatically radiate with His royal beauty simply because He had rescued me from sin and death. In order for His spectacular beauty to come cascading through my being, there was a major transformation process — a spiritual makeover — that was required.
I had to allow Him to thoroughly wash me clean — to remove the residue of sin and selfishness at the core of my life. I had to allow Him to remove the worldly garments that had cloaked my existence — my entrenchment in worldly attractions and allurements — and clothe me in His royal garments of holiness. I had to allow Him to place His jewels on my body and His beautiful crown upon my head — marking me as consecrated and set apart, like a lily among thorns.
And when I became set apart for Him, when I laid down my own selfish pursuits and allowed Him to completely transform my existence with His own breathtaking beauty — that’s when all my girlish dreams were fulfilled. That’s when I became the radiant princess I’d always longed to be — one who captivated the heart of my Prince with one glance of my eyes.
I discovered the secret of true feminine beauty when I embraced a beauty that was wholly not my own.
Even now, the transforming process continues. There is always more selfishness to be cleansed and removed, so that more of His glorious essence can radiate unhindered through my existence. There is always more of my life that must be refined and shaped by His royal beauty.
But I no longer pursue the empty, temporary beauty of this world. I no longer seek to be alluring to society. I seek to be beautiful to Him. I desire any outward beauty I possess to only be a reflection of my inner life — a life that has been fully captured and renovated by the noble Prince of my soul.
No matter where you have been or where you are right now, Christ is ready to transform you with His stunning beauty. It won’t be an instant, overnight transformation. But there is no better time to take the first step. Steal away alone with Christ, and lay your life before Him. Allow Him to gently reveal to you the selfish patterns of your life, and ask Him to forgive you and remake you in each of those areas.
You may feel far away from such a life right now. But all that He asks is that you lay your life before Him so that He might begin His supernatural, incredible, life-altering work within you. If you come to Him holding nothing back, you will be amazed at how quickly He draws near to you. (See James 4:8.)
Have you ever wondered what it really means to follow Jesus Christ? If you take this step of emptying yourself and making yourself completely and utterly dependent upon Him, you will no longer wonder. Christ set us an example of complete and total dependence upon His Father and then commanded us to follow in His steps.
In spite of His eternal equality with the Father … the Lord Jesus Christ for our sakes “made Himself nothing” (Phil. 2:7 NIV) that the Father might be everything and be glorified in Him! In an attitude of total dependence, He exercised … that perfect faith-love relationship for which man, by Christ Himself, had been created!
Ian Thomas
If you want to be truly beautiful, start by trading in all that you are for all that He is. You’ll never regret such a glorious exchange.
The Third Step: Be Clothed with His Beauty
During World War II, a beautiful young woman named Darlene Deibler was captured by the Japanese while serving with her husband as a missionary in New Guinea. She was separated from her husband and placed into a work camp, where she lived in a dirty, overcrowded barracks, doing hard labor in the hot tropical sun. Her soft, fair skin became rough and weather beaten. Her slender body became ravaged by diseases such as dysentery and beriberi — which caused her legs to swell out of proportion, as the rest of her body shriveled into a gaunt, unnatural thinness. One day, some young boys who also lived in the labor camp shyly told Darlene that they thought she looked like a movie star. She was deeply moved by their comment. For months she had watched her physical beauty slowly melt away, but it blessed her to realize that others still saw beauty when they looked at her — and she knew it was the beauty of Jesus Christ.
Proverbs 31:25 says that a virtuous woman is “clothed with strength and dignity” (NIV). The word “strength” in this verse means supernatural valor and the word “dignity” means glory, beauty, and splendor. These qualities cannot be obtained from any fitness routine, diet strategy, makeup technique, or clothing trend. They come from no other source but Christ. When a woman finds her satisfaction and joy in Jesus Christ, she reflects His breathtaking valor, glory, beauty, and splendor. Others notice Him shining through her eyes, reflecting in her smile, and radiating from her demeanor — no matter what may happen to her physical body.
I once heard about two young women in China who were disowned by their families because they gave their lives to Christ. Without possessing anything but the clothes they wore, the girls traveled on foot from village to village, sharing their faith with anyone who would listen. They slept in the woods and trusted God for every meal. Though they had no ability to polish or maintain their outward appearance, people regularly came up to them and asked why their faces were glowing with radiant beauty. “Whatever it is that makes your eyes and faces shine like that,” they were told, “we want it too.”
As these stories demonstrate, the source of all true beauty is not earthly, but heavenly. Any beauty apart from Jesus Christ is hollow, vain, empty, and fleeting — nothing more than a mirage. But beauty that flows from His life within us is world changing and eternal. Our outward appearance takes on the beauty of Heaven as He transforms our soul into His likeness. That is why women like Darlene Deibler and the two young women in China seemed so beautiful to others, despite the fact that their physical beauty was so drastically challenged.
If you are struggling with insecurity about your outward appearance, the solution is far more simple than you realize. Take your eyes off yourself and turn your gaze to Jesus Christ. Immerse yourself in His Word and His presence. Become transfixed upon His beauty and splendor. As you gaze upon Him, your outward appearance will reflect His radiance — just as Stephen’s face looked like the face of an angel as he gazed into Heaven, and just as Moses had to put a veil over his face because it was so radiant after being in the presence of God. (See Acts 6:15 and 2 Corinthians 3:13.)
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If you desire your life to shine with an unfading beauty that only grows more beautiful with time, this is the secret: Fix your eyes upon the Author of all true beauty and let Him live His life through you.
When all is said and done and this world passes away, we will realize with absolute clarity that “charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting” (Prov. 31:30 NET). Out of all women, only those who fear the Lord will be beautiful for eternity. May you and I be counted among them.
How beautiful are the hands which have worked the works of Christ, the feet which treading in His footsteps have gone about doing good, the lips which have spread abroad His name, the lives counted loss for Him.
Christina Rosetti
This article was originally published in Issue 52.
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