The season brought warmth, birds, and flowers, but I barely noticed the beauty and life around me. I was caught in a funk darker than the bleakest winter day. Physically, I had been sick with an infection I couldn’t shake. Spiritually, the enemy was assailing me through the bitter words of another. Emotionally, I was in turmoil because of the failing health of my husband.
Late into the night over cups of tea going cold, I heard her story and surveyed the landscape of her life from the outside listening in. My mind reeled and my heart ached as her words landed in my ears. There were problems I couldn’t fix; solutions I couldn’t provide. She was in a desert season — and I couldn’t change that.
I hopped on my Instagram one morning a few months ago to reply to some messages and make a post. As I did, I inadvertently noticed a piece of information about my account that was rather surprising and discouraging. Huh. That’s strange, I thought to myself as I closed the app and moved on to getting ready for the day.
My body had been sounding an alarm that something was seriously off, and my symptoms were growing increasingly strange. What began as a small rash had grown into an unsettling set of problems: numbness in my toes, tingling in my hands and feet, sharp and quick bursts of nerve pain throughout my body — it felt like my nervous system had been turned up to high. While laying down, my heart would pound and I felt like I was breathing through a filter.
Eric and I spent the first ten years of our marriage speaking in churches and Christian gatherings around the country, as well as overseas. As a young Christian stepping into the excitement of full-time ministry, I had romanticized ideals about what traveling from church to church would be like. It didn’t take long before those ideals were shattered. While we did meet many truly committed and victorious Christians, we also encountered an uncomfortable amount of counterfeit leaders and hypocritical believers.
I vividly remember a particularly exhausting season when Eric and I had recently welcomed our fourth child. We were trying to maintain our sanity with four children under the age of five, two of them still in diapers.