By ANNIE WESCHE
That you may love the Lord your God, that you may obey His voice,
and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life…
Deuteronomy 30:20
I want this to end.
I can’t do this anymore!
I don’t want to go through this.
How much longer, God?
Why this?
Have you ever uttered these desperate pleas in prayer? I most certainly have. And even as I type the words, my memory drifts back to significant moments in my life where my cries fell at the feet of Jesus, and He mercifully met me with love, grace, and peace that surpassed my limited sight and understanding.
Those were moments that held weariness, the abrasive challenge of uncertainty and hardship, long seasons of waiting, and releasing the grip on my will. But they also held the beautiful purposes God had fashioned uniquely for the strengthening of my soul and the deepening of my faith.
I want to welcome you in to a couple of these moments — that together we would look upon the faithfulness of God as He invited my desperate heart to cling to Him. Maybe you will see yourself in these moments — your own weariness and desperate cries for breakthrough, relief, comfort, grace, and hope.
I can’t do this anymore!
I was living in Haiti, facing a corrupt adoption system, and waiting to bring two sweet children home to their adoptive parents (who were also navigating Goliath-like obstacles in the adoption process from the home front). Months began to roll into years with no clear end in sight, infants were growing into toddlers, setbacks were frequent, physical conditions were arduous, and I was growing desperately weary under the constant strain of uncertainty.
One afternoon, I fell to the bathroom floor of our swelteringly hot container house, and screamed into a towel so that only God could hear me.
“I can’t do this anymore! I want this to end! Please, please, please, God, I want to go home!”
Relief did not come to me that afternoon from a sudden change in my circumstances, but it did come from running to the refuge of God’s Presence, pouring out my heart to Him, casting my cares on Him, and eventually opening my hands once again in fresh surrender to His timing and goodness.
Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:8
Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
God’s Word assures us that He finishes what He starts. Just because I felt “done” didn’t mean that He was quite finished with the work He had begun. And if I would have had my timing — rather than His — I would have missed out on all that my soul gained from enduring the following days, weeks, and months in Haiti before He did bring us all home.
With God there is always gain when we entrust ourselves to His care and walk by faith regardless of opposition, delays, or discomforts. Nothing is wasted when we entrust it to Him. And our God loves to bring gold forth from the refining fire.
Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:2–4.
I don’t want to go through this.
This cry resounded almost daily in my heart during the six months my beloved mum battled brain cancer. Throughout her sudden diagnosis, brain surgery, suffering a stroke, months of rehab, around-the-clock care, hospice, and her departure from this world, I found myself in a frequent state of disbelief and battling waves of grief. I continually fought off any thought of her not coming through her cancer battle. It was agony to watch someone so precious to me suffer so immensely, and it was unimaginable to think that my future on this earth might not have her beautiful presence in it. I don’t want to go through this, God! I don’t want her to go through this. Why this?
But God — my gloriously faithful, loving, wise Father — had fashioned all the days He had for Mum’s extraordinary life even before her first one began. Just as He has for you and I. Isn’t that a marvel?
And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! Psalm 139:16–17
Being her Creator gave Him the right to determine her days. And as her Father, His thoughts and plans for her flowed from Goodness and Love itself. But Mum had also received Him as Lord of her life to do just as He pleased. And because He was also her Savior, her eternal hope had been secured by the blood of Jesus. Her earthly death simply delivered her into the presence of the One most precious to her and into her eternal reward as a daughter of the King. And we have blessed assurance that we will see her again one day in glory!
We certainly prayed for Mum’s healing, and we knew that God was not limited nor His hand shortened to heal her. I cannot tell you the reasons God determined to take her home before she could see me walk down the aisle one day or before she could hold her first grandchild. I do not understand why He didn’t want her vibrant life to continue declaring His glory and praise on this earth. Or why, in a world so lost and dark, He didn’t want to keep her here longer to be a voice of truth and a radiant reflection of His light. But I can tell you what He has told me from His Word: “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts” (Isa. 55:9). And, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints” (Ps. 116:15).
Even in deepest grief, I must continue to release my grip on my own way and say, “I want Your higher ways, Father. Be glorified in this.” And then freshly secure my grip on Christ and cling to the One who is my eternal hope and all-surpassing joy.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort… 2 Corinthians 1:3
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. 1 Peter 1:3
Faith turns our desperate pleas into surrender and our active trust in Him becomes worship.
“I want this to end,” becomes,
“Your grace is sufficient.”
“I can’t do this anymore,” becomes,
“Strengthen me according to Your Word!”
“Please, God, don’t do this,” becomes,
“Your will be done. Be glorified.”
“I don’t want this,” becomes,
“Fulfill Your purposes in and through me, Father.”
“How much longer?” becomes
“Your timing is good, loving, and wise. Thank You that You are working in my waiting.”
May we release our grip on anything but Christ, so that He can fulfill His purposes in our lives. May we have faith to trust and surrender, have hope in His unfailing Word, and continually bow before the One who is worthy to work in every corner of our lives for the glory of His great Name.
This article was originally published in Issue 51.
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