Forgetting What Lies Behind and Straining Forward to What Lies Ahead
By Jasmin Howell
I was nervous about the day’s events. I gave my husband a hug before I left the house with his reassurance that, truly, everything was going to be just fine. Even on the short drive, I could only imagine how horrible it was going to be. As I pulled up at my destination, eyeing it with fear, I knew there was no avoiding it. No matter what…
I needed to buy bigger pants.
You laugh. But if you know the feeling of having to purchase bigger pants, it really is nothing to joke about. It takes courage to turn in a mirror and look at your changed body and feel that deep twinge of sadness that your tummy isn’t as flat as it used to be, you have more cellulite and stretch marks, or that your inner thighs rub together more frequently.
I made my way over to the wall of jeans, sighing heavily as I walked past the size I had been for most of my young adult life … past the size I was for most of my thirties … past the size I was after I had my first baby … past the slightly larger size that I hoped I would fit into … and ultimately stood glumly in front of the even larger size that did fit me. I pulled a few pairs off the wall and took them into the dressing room. As I slipped into one pair and then another, turning this way and that, assessing every perceived flaw and change and full of critical thoughts about myself, a seemingly unrelated conversation came to mind.
“Do you think Lot’s wife was turned into a pillar of salt simply because she snuck a glance behind her, or do you think it was because she looked back at what she’d left behind with longing?” I heard a friend’s voice ring in my memory — a conversation that took place a few weeks earlier about the consequence Lot’s wife faced for her disobedience. I had been thinking about it ever since. The Bible really isn’t clear about the reason why Lot’s wife looked behind her at the city of Sodom, but if we think of our own propensities, we may begin to understand why.
Remember Lot’s Wife
In Luke 17:32–33 we are told to “Remember Lot’s wife…” followed by the encouragement that, “Whoever seeks to preserve his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will keep it”* (v. 33). Interestingly enough, this is the only other time she is mentioned in the Bible.
The first time was back in Genesis, when an angel commanded Lot and his family to leave the sinful city of Sodom and escape its destruction, saying, “‘…we are about to destroy this place, because the outcry against its people has become great before the Lord … Escape for your life. Do not look back or stopanywhere’ … But Lot’s wife, behind him, looked back, and she became a pillar of salt” (Gen. 19:13, 17, 26, emphasis added).
Prior to that moment, we see Lot struggling to leave his known life and obey God. The Bible says, “But he lingered” (Gen. 19:16). Two angels basically had to drag Lot and his family out of the city to safety. And so I can only assume from the text that if Lot lingered, his wife likely did so even more in the secret place of her heart. We, as women, are the creators of our homes, the nurturers of our families, and we can tend to get attached to things — even when we are called to leave them. These can be real physical places or just spaces we hold in our memory. Lot’s wife likely had a strong attachment to her home city and her physical home within that city, despite it being mired in sin and godlessness. And with a longing glance behind her, Lot’s wife showed her desire for the known past, seeking to preserve what God was calling her to leave.
But why did this lead to her being turned into a pillar of salt? It seems like such a severe consequence! Ultimately, Lot’s wife demonstrated a lack of trust that God would provide whatever she would need in her present upheaval and her uncertain future. But more than that, she was disobedient to what God had asked her to do: follow her husband, flee the city, and trust God’s plan. And very specifically, to not look back.
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Now, you may be wondering what Lot’s wife has to do with my pile of pants discarded on the dressing room floor. Trust me, there is a connection.
My heart ached that I wasn’t trying on any of the sizes of pants that had fit me at different stages of my past. Anything would have been better than the size I actually was. But, while longing for a pant size that was now in the past, I found myself reflecting on the reasons for the change in my physical body. There was another sweet miracle baby currently at home with his daddy, his rosy cheeks and twinkly eyes a sheer delight to my heart. The reason for my changed body was such an amazing one. But it didn’t mean that it didn’t come with a longing glance behind me to the places — and the person — I had left behind.
Oh, how easy it is to long for a certain set of circumstances, or a different version of ourselves that we left somewhere in the past! In my case, the version who travelled, adventured, flew to England for Bible college, drove to Nashville to pursue a music career, the one who got married with stars in her eyes in a tiny dress, the one who weighed less once upon a time, the one who left behind a secure teaching career and pension, the one for whom the world seemed limitless, the one with the toned abs. But all of those idealized “selves” and circumstances are behind me now.
Maybe you find yourself longing for a time before you were hit with a chronic illness that seemingly stole your freedom and health. Or perhaps you long for the time before your loved one passed away, or the time before a friendship disintegrated; the season before the church split; the years before the one poor choice that plunged you into years of less-than-ideal consequences; the time in your family before your parents divorced; the body you had before babies; the life you had before that move across the country; the time before you suffered that terrible injury … the list of the things we might long for in the past is seemingly endless. And while our pasts can be instructive to us — and I believe they are meant to be — we are not meant to yearn for the person we were, or for the circumstances we had “back then.” Where we are today is not by chance. God sovereignly ordains and directs our lives.
And while we may feel tempted to look back at something we had to leave behind — better health, an uninjured or more svelte body, a relationship, a physical place we loved — we are called to “press on,” as Paul writes in Philippians. This section of Scripture is full of encouragement for us, but especially this: “…one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:13–14).
Sometimes I catch myself, like Lot’s wife, looking back. My spirit longs to trust that my present circumstances and the uncertain future are safely held by the Lord. But my flesh sometimes longs for what I once knew — something that feels known and better than where I am, or where I might be headed. We are no different — casting longing glances behind us to what God has brought us out of and wanting to go back. Perhaps living in fear of what’s ahead. Possibly living in disobedience to God’s present call on our lives. Maybe grumbling about our circumstances, coveting what we no longer have, or seeking what was never designed for us.
Forgetting What Lies Behind
In Philippians 3, the word “forgetting” is translated in Greek to mean no longer caring for. I’m not supposed to want the past back. I’m called to press forward in faith, “forgetting what lies behind” and in obedience to what God has called me to right now, “straining forward to what lies ahead” (v. 13). If we look back at the story in Genesis, it’s clear to see that God’s command to Lot and his family to not look back was a loving one. He asked them to forget their past, to keep their faces physically turned away from it, focusing instead on Him and His promises as He led them away to a safer, more fulfilling life. He asked of them what He asks of us: to abandon ourselves completely to His love and leading, not to preserve our own lives for our own sake.
But God knows our weak frame, and how our memories can be selective. Maybe as she looked behind her, Lot’s wife was remembering the sweet times raising her children in Sodom, playing on the floor with her daughters, laughing with her husband, and feeding her family warm, hearty meals within the four walls of her home, forgetting about the sexual sins, debauchery, and treacherous ways of the people just outside and the fear that she endured in their midst.
In another example from Scripture, the Israelite people wandered in the desert, being fed supernatural manna, all the while moaning and grumbling about the food they left behind in Egypt — longing for the meat, melons, and leeks of the past. But forgetting that back in good ol’ Egypt … in their idealized past … they were slaves! Back when I fit into smaller pants, my heart was full of bitterness, grief, and anger toward God for not giving me children when I wanted them. I was consumed by my longing for something I didn’t have. And now, in my larger pants, I am deeply content and grateful for the gift of being surrounded by my three boys.
When we look backward with longing, we often forget that — no matter how idyllic or beautiful in our memory — the past had its own trials, and we have journeyed through them. They are now also behind us, and that is where they should remain.
Straining Forward To What Lies Ahead
Alternately, the phrase “straining forward” in Philippians 3 means to stretch out toward something, demonstrating that forward motion in Christ is definitely not without exertion or effort and not without a choice to stop lingering over what has been left behind, but to literally stretch our hearts and our wills toward “the upward call of God” (v. 14). The more I linger on this verse, the more I love the understanding and compassion God has for our weakness that He would speak through Paul to give us this encouragement, which He knew we would need to hear often. Glancing backwards takes little effort or thought. But moving forward?! Now that takes some effort. It is faith coupled with works. It is making choices to trust God’s Word and to obey it.
Now, am I saying that it would be wrong for me to lose some weight, get more in shape, or make a goal to fit back into a smaller pant size? Not at all … and I totally intend to do just that. In a very practical way, accepting my current size is part of my forward movement alongside taking steps to regain the physique and health I want to have in the present — not simply pining for what I used to have in the past.
But, I am saying that looking behind to the person I was in a different season of my life and longing for her is certainly a fruitless endeavor and would hinder me from growing forward in the ways that God has planned as the woman I am now. And even if I ever do fit back into smaller pants someday, I certainly hope that mentally and spiritually I have grown in wisdom, grown in my love for God, grown in my confidence in His perfect design for my life, grown in my knowledge of His Word. I intend to never be the same woman that I was back then. And that’s exactly as it’s supposed to be.
Just as Lot’s wife was cautioned not to preserve her own life but to trust God, so are we. We are called to abandon our own plans and desires, trusting that He has far better things ahead for us. In fact, when Paul says, “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:14), we can see that the prize for pressing on is Christ! Our prize is not supposed to be anything earthly, physical, or fleshly. Our prize is even better!
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When both Lot and his wife lingered in Sodom — and when Lot’s wife looked longingly behind her — they didn’t realize that leaving the city meant that they were heading into a new future with God as their closest companion for the journey. But He was not enough for them. His promises and plans did not delight them. I deeply want God to be enough for me and for His ways to delight me! I want to strain forward to what He has ahead in my life. I don’t want to waste my present energy pining for what I’ve left behind, casting longing glances at what used to be. Even if the only thing I’m longing for is a smaller pair of pants.
This article was originally published in Issue 47.
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